An introductory paragraph that provides your essay's controlling theme
2-4 body paragraphs that develop your theme through examples and detailed experiences and build upon each other. The final body paragraph will contain your most poignant information
A conclusion that widens the lens and wraps up your essay without summarizing or repeating what has already been written
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Characteristics of a Good Personal Statement
But before you write a single word, make sure you know what is expected of a successful college essay.
A good essay...
-Is thoughtful and honest
A strong personal statement is reflective; that is, it demonstrates that you have thought about and gained a clear perspective on your experiences and what you want in your future. It does not simply tell a reader what you think he/she wants to know. Instead, it gives the reader a vivid and compelling picture of you--in essence, telling the reader what he or she should know about you. Remember that the focus of the essay is YOU--your achievements, your obstacles, your goals, your values.
-Strives for depth, not breadth
A good essay is not a list of your accomplishments. Remember when your mom told you that it's quality, not quantity, that counts? Well, the same adage applies for your college essay. A reader will be much more interested in how your experience demonstrates the theme of your essay, not the number of accomplishments you can list. What is NOT interesting: an essay that devotes one paragraph each to a variety of different topics. This type of approach denies you the ability to give depth to your essay.
-Follows the conventions of good writing
A good essay uses appropriate grammar and syntax, uses precise and vivid language, and does not contain any spelling errors.
-Conforms to guidelines
If the essay instructions tell you that the essay should be two pages long, on white 8.5x11 inch paper, then the essay should be two pages long, on white 8.5x11 inch paper. Less is not more, and more is not better, either.
-Answers the question!
A good essay is the result of a writer who has examined the essay question and written an essay that explicitly addresses that question. For example, if you are asked to describe your greatest accomplishment or any unusual circumstances or challenges you have faced, then your reader will expect you to use vivid language that will enable the reader to visualize your accomplishment and share your sense of success.
-Benefits from several drafts and feedback from others
Revision allows an essay to grow. Revising is not editing; revising is the act of "re-seeing" and of looking for those parts of the essay that would benefit from more explication, more (or less) vivid language, or even deleting parts that simply don't work to move your primary theme forward. Similarly, feedback from others can help you identify those parts of the essay that work well--and those that don't.
-Contains a catchy introduction that will keep the reader interested
It is important to recognize that essay readers will read hundreds, maybe even thousands, of essays during the application review period. That means that an essay with a catchy introduction, one that gets right to the point and uses precise language and vivid imagery, is going to stand our more than an essay that is predictable and conventional in its opener.
-Transforms blemishes into positives
It's okay to have flaws! The essay is your chance to show how you have transformed blemishes. For example, if your essay theme is "overcoming obstacles" and you earned a poor grade in a class, but went to a community college at night to repeat the course, it is important for your reader to know this because it is an example of your perseverance. The reader does not want to hear complaints about poor grades or circumstances, but rather wants to know how you have overcome them.
-Demonstrates your knowledge of the major/college
No one expects you to know everything about the college or university to which you are applying. However, readers will want to know that you have done your homework. For example, if you write an essay that states your interest in becoming an engineer, but the college does not have an engineering program, then you haven't done your homework.
-Exudes confidence--you will be successful no matter what
A good essay doesn't beg or brag. Colleges and universities want to admit the best students, and the best students are those who can demonstrate their ability to pursue their goals regardless of where they are admitted. Think of this as quiet confidence--the kind that reveals itself through your description of lifelong interests, sustained commitment, and/or perseverance in the face of adversity.
Keep these characteristics of a good essay in mind as you compose. And be sure to avoid the typical college essay blunders.
A good essay...
-Is thoughtful and honest
A strong personal statement is reflective; that is, it demonstrates that you have thought about and gained a clear perspective on your experiences and what you want in your future. It does not simply tell a reader what you think he/she wants to know. Instead, it gives the reader a vivid and compelling picture of you--in essence, telling the reader what he or she should know about you. Remember that the focus of the essay is YOU--your achievements, your obstacles, your goals, your values.
-Strives for depth, not breadth
A good essay is not a list of your accomplishments. Remember when your mom told you that it's quality, not quantity, that counts? Well, the same adage applies for your college essay. A reader will be much more interested in how your experience demonstrates the theme of your essay, not the number of accomplishments you can list. What is NOT interesting: an essay that devotes one paragraph each to a variety of different topics. This type of approach denies you the ability to give depth to your essay.
-Follows the conventions of good writing
A good essay uses appropriate grammar and syntax, uses precise and vivid language, and does not contain any spelling errors.
-Conforms to guidelines
If the essay instructions tell you that the essay should be two pages long, on white 8.5x11 inch paper, then the essay should be two pages long, on white 8.5x11 inch paper. Less is not more, and more is not better, either.
-Answers the question!
A good essay is the result of a writer who has examined the essay question and written an essay that explicitly addresses that question. For example, if you are asked to describe your greatest accomplishment or any unusual circumstances or challenges you have faced, then your reader will expect you to use vivid language that will enable the reader to visualize your accomplishment and share your sense of success.
-Benefits from several drafts and feedback from others
Revision allows an essay to grow. Revising is not editing; revising is the act of "re-seeing" and of looking for those parts of the essay that would benefit from more explication, more (or less) vivid language, or even deleting parts that simply don't work to move your primary theme forward. Similarly, feedback from others can help you identify those parts of the essay that work well--and those that don't.
-Contains a catchy introduction that will keep the reader interested
It is important to recognize that essay readers will read hundreds, maybe even thousands, of essays during the application review period. That means that an essay with a catchy introduction, one that gets right to the point and uses precise language and vivid imagery, is going to stand our more than an essay that is predictable and conventional in its opener.
-Transforms blemishes into positives
It's okay to have flaws! The essay is your chance to show how you have transformed blemishes. For example, if your essay theme is "overcoming obstacles" and you earned a poor grade in a class, but went to a community college at night to repeat the course, it is important for your reader to know this because it is an example of your perseverance. The reader does not want to hear complaints about poor grades or circumstances, but rather wants to know how you have overcome them.
-Demonstrates your knowledge of the major/college
No one expects you to know everything about the college or university to which you are applying. However, readers will want to know that you have done your homework. For example, if you write an essay that states your interest in becoming an engineer, but the college does not have an engineering program, then you haven't done your homework.
-Exudes confidence--you will be successful no matter what
A good essay doesn't beg or brag. Colleges and universities want to admit the best students, and the best students are those who can demonstrate their ability to pursue their goals regardless of where they are admitted. Think of this as quiet confidence--the kind that reveals itself through your description of lifelong interests, sustained commitment, and/or perseverance in the face of adversity.
Keep these characteristics of a good essay in mind as you compose. And be sure to avoid the typical college essay blunders.
Critical Analysis of Statement - 1.
Your essay does an excellent job of presenting you as a unique candidate who has experienced a lengthy and enriching personal growth process, drawing you to a career in medicine. You approach this essay with an honesty and sincere commitment that is sure to impress the admissions committee. By clearly presenting the reasons why you have decided to change careers, you have gone a long way in showing your maturity, thoughtfulness and readiness to handle the rigors of medical school
The essay did contain some significant weaknesses however. The essay's wordiness, repetition and lack of effective organisation hinders the essay's flow and decreases the potency of your central message - that you have decided to become a physician after a lengthy self-examination process. Your topic sentences often do not express the main idea of each paragraph and they lack effective transitional phrases. The essay also contains vague, clichéd wording.
In my editing, I focused on improving the essay's organisation by adding clear topic sentences, rearranging paragraphs for maximum readability, and improving the dynamism of your introduction. I also tightened your language by eliminating repetition and clichés and constructing clearer, more concise sentences. To improve clarity and flow, I divided the long paragraphs into easily digestible pieces.
Here is a paragraph-by-paragraph analysis of my editing:
Paragraph 1
Your introduction begins with a generalisation; it is generally better to begin with a compelling sentence that is specific to your own experience. I rearranged your information, substituting the story about the project as your opening. This way, you can engage the reader early on, while providing a perfect setup to explain your situation. Your original language, such as "several important elements of personal growth" is too vague to be effective as an expression of your central idea. The new introduction allows you to create suspense and build gradually towards the expression of your main point.
Paragraph 2
Watch out for vague language such as "learned a critical lesson about life" and "I need challenge and meaning." The wording is also confusing "it was at this time that I transitioned to being a student again." This sentence makes it unclear whether you have already become a student or are planning to become one.
The information in this paragraph can be spread out over the entire essay for greater effect. I focused on constructing small paragraphs, each expressing a clear, specific idea; therefore, I moved this information to various places throughout the essay.
Paragraph 3 and 4
I spiced up your topic sentence in paragraph 3; the original "a second realisation that I later unveiled is that" was wordy. I also replaced vague language such as "something was still missing". Paragraph 4 was disorganised: You express a variety of points here: that you desire to help others, that you need a change, that you have talked to doctors, that your current career is inadequate, etc. Because this paragraph contains an array of ideas lacking tight organisation, the paragraph becomes a hard-to-follow jumble of ideas. Some of the points here would make a good conclusion, so I rearranged accordingly.
Paragraphs 5 and 6
The first sentence of paragraph 5 is a cliché found in numerous medical school essays. You want to reword this idea in an original manner. I reworded many sentences in both paragraphs to improve readability, conciseness and eloquence. I reworded your conclusion so that your essay ends with concise, confident language.
If you have the time and desire to improve further, you could add a little detail about your volunteer experiences and academic interests. You mention that you have volunteered but you never provide any direct examples of these activities and their relevance to medical school. I have provided space for you to include this information. You could also elaborate on your specific academic interests: for example, what aspects of science do you like? Can you talk a bit more about your interest in public health? Finally, can you provide a little more detail about the project mentioned in the introduction? A simple descriptive phrase will suffice.
Overall, the revised essay is well organised with a dynamic introduction and strong topic sentences that provide a strong transition from one idea to the next. Some careful fine-tuning has made this essay into a clear, powerful expression of your ideas, goals, and values, and should make a wonderful impression on the application committee.
The essay did contain some significant weaknesses however. The essay's wordiness, repetition and lack of effective organisation hinders the essay's flow and decreases the potency of your central message - that you have decided to become a physician after a lengthy self-examination process. Your topic sentences often do not express the main idea of each paragraph and they lack effective transitional phrases. The essay also contains vague, clichéd wording.
In my editing, I focused on improving the essay's organisation by adding clear topic sentences, rearranging paragraphs for maximum readability, and improving the dynamism of your introduction. I also tightened your language by eliminating repetition and clichés and constructing clearer, more concise sentences. To improve clarity and flow, I divided the long paragraphs into easily digestible pieces.
Here is a paragraph-by-paragraph analysis of my editing:
Paragraph 1
Your introduction begins with a generalisation; it is generally better to begin with a compelling sentence that is specific to your own experience. I rearranged your information, substituting the story about the project as your opening. This way, you can engage the reader early on, while providing a perfect setup to explain your situation. Your original language, such as "several important elements of personal growth" is too vague to be effective as an expression of your central idea. The new introduction allows you to create suspense and build gradually towards the expression of your main point.
Paragraph 2
Watch out for vague language such as "learned a critical lesson about life" and "I need challenge and meaning." The wording is also confusing "it was at this time that I transitioned to being a student again." This sentence makes it unclear whether you have already become a student or are planning to become one.
The information in this paragraph can be spread out over the entire essay for greater effect. I focused on constructing small paragraphs, each expressing a clear, specific idea; therefore, I moved this information to various places throughout the essay.
Paragraph 3 and 4
I spiced up your topic sentence in paragraph 3; the original "a second realisation that I later unveiled is that" was wordy. I also replaced vague language such as "something was still missing". Paragraph 4 was disorganised: You express a variety of points here: that you desire to help others, that you need a change, that you have talked to doctors, that your current career is inadequate, etc. Because this paragraph contains an array of ideas lacking tight organisation, the paragraph becomes a hard-to-follow jumble of ideas. Some of the points here would make a good conclusion, so I rearranged accordingly.
Paragraphs 5 and 6
The first sentence of paragraph 5 is a cliché found in numerous medical school essays. You want to reword this idea in an original manner. I reworded many sentences in both paragraphs to improve readability, conciseness and eloquence. I reworded your conclusion so that your essay ends with concise, confident language.
If you have the time and desire to improve further, you could add a little detail about your volunteer experiences and academic interests. You mention that you have volunteered but you never provide any direct examples of these activities and their relevance to medical school. I have provided space for you to include this information. You could also elaborate on your specific academic interests: for example, what aspects of science do you like? Can you talk a bit more about your interest in public health? Finally, can you provide a little more detail about the project mentioned in the introduction? A simple descriptive phrase will suffice.
Overall, the revised essay is well organised with a dynamic introduction and strong topic sentences that provide a strong transition from one idea to the next. Some careful fine-tuning has made this essay into a clear, powerful expression of your ideas, goals, and values, and should make a wonderful impression on the application committee.
Sample Statement - 1.
After working over one hundred hours a week for more than three months, I completed the project to great success. I had worked hard on this difficult assignment; on the surface, my job was going well. With an MA in Management and a covenant position with a Big Four accounting firm, I had impressive credentials. I had also gained substantial experience working with information systems and performing financial audits and reconciliations.
Why, then, was I not satisfied?
Upon entering my career, I had assumed that professional and financial success would surely bring personal fulfilment. After some time, however, I became frustrated because I did not enjoy my work. I decided to interview for similar positions. During this process, however, reality hit me: changing companies would not solve my problem because the entire career field did not meet my needs.
This realisation triggered a process of self-searching that led me to medicine. This decision did not come quickly or easily. After all, the commitment to provide others with healthcare is a serious decision for anyone, particularly someone with an established career. As I examined my interests and goals, however, I underwent a process of personal growth that has propelled me towards a career as a physician.
Upon examining my job responsibilities, I realised that I enjoyed the problem-solving duties of my corporate career much more than the specific subject matter. I had always worked hard to understand and communicate my company's line of business. Furthermore, my detailed programming and financial analysis had identified many profitable opportunities for the company amidst a constantly changing, complicated economy.
Not only did my preferred career emphasise problem solving, but it also allowed me to work closely with others in a caretaking role. When I examined my past, I observed a pattern of volunteer work and leadership; for example, I have donated my time to {PROVIDE ONE OR TWO VOLUNTEER ACTIVITIES and your DUTIES}.
Of course, many careers would allow me to solve problems and benefit others. How did I choose medicine?
A career in medicine will allow me to integrate thoroughly my passion for science into a public-service framework. Since childhood, I have loved acquiring scientific knowledge, particularly involving biological processes. I also have a keen interest in health care policy and public health; while serving as a physician, I plan to pursue additional roles in these fields.
My colleagues at work have commented on my idealism. While many motivate themselves with thoughts of maintaining a high salary or proving their worth through achievements, I have sought to shed those goals in favour of providing tangible health benefits to others. I have already had more fun than I deserve; I seek the long-term intellectual challenge and interpersonal rewards that accompany work in the medical field.
In making this career transition, I must show evidence of the prolonged commitment, intellectual maturity, and altruism required to excel in medical school and as a physician. During my undergraduate studies, I displayed my ability to juggle competing demands while still maintaining my academic focus; I have succeeded at school while volunteering part time, spending time with family and friends, and working part-time. To better serve my expected patient population, I plan to take some refresher Spanish classes while in medical school.
I have come to discover that a job and even a good income, absent another significant purpose, will not bring satisfaction. I plan to utilise my assets, namely my problem-solving affinity, strong work ethic, and interpersonal commitment, to craft a stimulating, personally rewarding career in medicine. Fortunately, I have an opportunity to make a change, and I could not be more grateful. I have taken stock of myself, considering my skills, experiences, and goals. I have looked to family and friends, some of whom are doctors, for advice. Because of this self-examination, I have decided to pursue a career in healthcare.
The process has been difficult at times but always illuminating. Throughout it all, I have never lost the confidence that I will actively absorb all available medical knowledge, forge friendships with fellow students, and emerge from my training as a skilful and caring physician.
Why, then, was I not satisfied?
Upon entering my career, I had assumed that professional and financial success would surely bring personal fulfilment. After some time, however, I became frustrated because I did not enjoy my work. I decided to interview for similar positions. During this process, however, reality hit me: changing companies would not solve my problem because the entire career field did not meet my needs.
This realisation triggered a process of self-searching that led me to medicine. This decision did not come quickly or easily. After all, the commitment to provide others with healthcare is a serious decision for anyone, particularly someone with an established career. As I examined my interests and goals, however, I underwent a process of personal growth that has propelled me towards a career as a physician.
Upon examining my job responsibilities, I realised that I enjoyed the problem-solving duties of my corporate career much more than the specific subject matter. I had always worked hard to understand and communicate my company's line of business. Furthermore, my detailed programming and financial analysis had identified many profitable opportunities for the company amidst a constantly changing, complicated economy.
Not only did my preferred career emphasise problem solving, but it also allowed me to work closely with others in a caretaking role. When I examined my past, I observed a pattern of volunteer work and leadership; for example, I have donated my time to {PROVIDE ONE OR TWO VOLUNTEER ACTIVITIES and your DUTIES}.
Of course, many careers would allow me to solve problems and benefit others. How did I choose medicine?
A career in medicine will allow me to integrate thoroughly my passion for science into a public-service framework. Since childhood, I have loved acquiring scientific knowledge, particularly involving biological processes. I also have a keen interest in health care policy and public health; while serving as a physician, I plan to pursue additional roles in these fields.
My colleagues at work have commented on my idealism. While many motivate themselves with thoughts of maintaining a high salary or proving their worth through achievements, I have sought to shed those goals in favour of providing tangible health benefits to others. I have already had more fun than I deserve; I seek the long-term intellectual challenge and interpersonal rewards that accompany work in the medical field.
In making this career transition, I must show evidence of the prolonged commitment, intellectual maturity, and altruism required to excel in medical school and as a physician. During my undergraduate studies, I displayed my ability to juggle competing demands while still maintaining my academic focus; I have succeeded at school while volunteering part time, spending time with family and friends, and working part-time. To better serve my expected patient population, I plan to take some refresher Spanish classes while in medical school.
I have come to discover that a job and even a good income, absent another significant purpose, will not bring satisfaction. I plan to utilise my assets, namely my problem-solving affinity, strong work ethic, and interpersonal commitment, to craft a stimulating, personally rewarding career in medicine. Fortunately, I have an opportunity to make a change, and I could not be more grateful. I have taken stock of myself, considering my skills, experiences, and goals. I have looked to family and friends, some of whom are doctors, for advice. Because of this self-examination, I have decided to pursue a career in healthcare.
The process has been difficult at times but always illuminating. Throughout it all, I have never lost the confidence that I will actively absorb all available medical knowledge, forge friendships with fellow students, and emerge from my training as a skilful and caring physician.
From the other side of the fence- 3
We are seeking aptitude, enthusiasm and genuine passion for the subject. The personal statement is important as a way of gauging motivation and enthusiasm, and helps us to assess the character of the applicant – what interests you and how you express yourself. Admissions tutors want to read statements that are clearly written and show why you are interested in the subject. Above all, be honest – it is easy to tell if work has been cribbed or copied".
From the other side of the fence- 2
We are looking for a clear statement that indicates that the applicant can use the English language in a meaningful and effective fashion. We frankly look at spelling as well as typing (for errors both in grammar and composition). Most applicants use the statement to indicate their motivation for medicine, the duration of that motivation, extracurricular activities, and work experience. So those are some of the general things we are looking for in the Personal Comments section.
We also want applicants to personalize the statement, to tell us something about themselves that they think is worthy of sharing with us, something that makes them unique, different, and the type of medical student and future physician that we're all looking for. What they have done in working with individuals--whether it's serving as a checker or bagger at a grocery store or working with handicapped individuals or tutoring inner city kids--that shows they can relate to people and have they done it in an effective fashion? What the applicant should do in all respects is to depict why he or she is a unique individual and should be sought after. Of course, if they start every sentence on a whole page with "I," it gets to be a little bit too much.
We also want applicants to personalize the statement, to tell us something about themselves that they think is worthy of sharing with us, something that makes them unique, different, and the type of medical student and future physician that we're all looking for. What they have done in working with individuals--whether it's serving as a checker or bagger at a grocery store or working with handicapped individuals or tutoring inner city kids--that shows they can relate to people and have they done it in an effective fashion? What the applicant should do in all respects is to depict why he or she is a unique individual and should be sought after. Of course, if they start every sentence on a whole page with "I," it gets to be a little bit too much.
From the other side of the fence- 1
We look for some originality because nine out of ten essays leave you with a big yawn. "I like science, I like to help people and that's why I want to be a doctor." The common, uninteresting, and unoriginal statement is one that recounts the applicant's academic pursuits and basically repeats what is elsewhere in the application. You look for something different, something that will pique your interest and provide I some very unique insight that will make you pay some l notice to this person who is among so many other qualified applicants. If you're screening 5,500 applications over a four- or six-month period, you want to see something that's really interesting.
I would simply say: Do it yourself, be careful, edit it, go through as many drafts as necessary. And more important than anything: be yourself. really show your personality. Tell us why you are unique, why we should admit you. The premise is that 9 out of 10 people who apply to medical school are very qualified. Don't under any circumstances insert handwritten work or an unfinished piece of writing. Do a professional job. I would consider it a mistake to attempt to cram in too much information, too many words. Use the space as judiciously as possible. Don't submit additional pages or use only 1/20th of the space provided.
I would simply say: Do it yourself, be careful, edit it, go through as many drafts as necessary. And more important than anything: be yourself. really show your personality. Tell us why you are unique, why we should admit you. The premise is that 9 out of 10 people who apply to medical school are very qualified. Don't under any circumstances insert handwritten work or an unfinished piece of writing. Do a professional job. I would consider it a mistake to attempt to cram in too much information, too many words. Use the space as judiciously as possible. Don't submit additional pages or use only 1/20th of the space provided.
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